Snakes On A Plane No Homo
by Dosu Disciple
Summary: All of Konoha's wonderful orphans packed in a plane, what can go wrong? Written by me and xxXJoyousEmoXxx, so it's pure crack. This was featured on WTFfanfics!
1. Chapter 1

**UPDATE: This story was featured on WTFFanfics!**

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This Story was written by both me and xxXJoyousEmoXxx, we each took turns writing parts of it, creating a complete crack story. She wrote the bolded parts while I wrote the regular text parts. Neither of us own Naruto.

Naruto was on a plane with his friends going to the Hidden Cloud Village to visit his friend Bee. ** All of his orphan friends where on it, so Sakura wasn't there. **Shino is an orphan now too, since he wanted to go so badly he killed his parents to get on. **Shikamaru and Choji where also on it. **Choji was on because his parents died of diabetes. **Shikamaru was allowed on since he can basically kill the whole village...**but only at night. Even Ino was on it.

"I get to go since everyone loves me!"

"Shut up and get back to the luggage compartment!" Naruto shouted.

"**But it's creepy back there, Orochimaru is there..."**

"**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sasuke screamed.**

Then Orochimaru slithered from the luggage. "Who was it that screamed that sexy scream? Was it yooooou Sasuke?"

"**It was Naruto. Rape him and leave me alone..."**

"**'S' is my favourite letter, it stands for my favourite things...Sex, Sasuke, and SNAAAKES!" Orochimaru shouted and threw snakes everywhere.**

"I'm sick of these mutha fucking snakes on this mutha fucking plane!" Sasuke yelled.

"**You're not gangster you know..." Shikamaru said as he went to sleep.**

"Sasuke, did you know that this is also a cargo plane? It's carrying a shipment of tomatoes in the back...come, let me show you Sasuke...hehe" Orochimaru said.

"**Maybe Orochimaru isn't so bad..." Sasuke said.**

"**Bitch gonna get raped, word," Said Naruto**

"**You're not gangster!" **

**Then Sasuke followed Orochimaru to the back.**

Then the pilot, Jiraiya made an announcement, "Please return to your seats, we will be taking off soon!" Then Sasuke returned.

"Dayum, what happened?"

Shikamaru woke up and said, "Stop talking like that!"

"Why you being so mean? Is it 'cause I'm black?"

"**Hitler tried to get everyone to look like you! You aren't black!"**

"What happened to you Sasuke?" Choji asked.

"He told me there were tomatoes in his pants...I believed him..."

"**There there Sasuke, many bums have been raped by him..."**

"**No I'm alone! I'm the only Uchiha...except for Itachi and that masked bitch."**

"**I'm trying to comfort you for rape, I didn't sign up for family problems!"**

"And I didn't sign up for hugs!"

"Oh...sorry..." Naruto released Sasuke.

Then Sakura walked down the aisle selling peanuts.

"SAKURA WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Naruto screamed

"I didn't want to be left out, so I got a job here! **Sasuke marry me!"**

"**I'm already engaged!"**

"**WHAT? To who? I'll cut her tits off!"**

"**...to Naruto...no homo."**

**Then Naruto tried to protect his bewbs.**

"**Well I can't cut his boobs off...Where's Ino?"**

"NO! These are all I have that are worth something!" Ino screamed as she ran into the luggage compartment.

"Fine then, where's Choji?"

Then Choji walked back from the bathroom, "What? Someone looking for me?"

"GIVE ME YOUR TITS!"

Then Sakura cut off Choji's moobs.

"These are a trophy! I shall wear them with pride!" Sakura then stitched the moobs to her chest.

"Ha! I have boobs now! LOVE ME!"

**But then Choji human-bouldered her off the plane, which created a bunch of turbulence which caused Choji to puke on Neji's fabulous hair.**

"NOOOO! My fabulous hair! The pride of the Hyuugas!" Then Neji 8-trigrams-64-palmed Choji off the plane. The sudden displacement of that much weight caused even more turbulence.

"This is the pilot speaking, we just hit a lot of turbulence...we might be crashing..."

"**No! Not without my hair! Everyone knows that the rescue crew saves the prettiest ones first!"**

"Shouldn't they save Hinata first, since she's basically royalty?" Shino asked.

"**Hinata? No! I must be prettiest! She must die!" Neji shouted. **Neji tried to attack Hinata but was stopped by his Hyuuga tramp stamp**...on his face.**

"This is the pilot speaking...again...looks like we're going to crash in the middle of the ocean. So if you're not cool with that now's a good time to kill yourself."

"**Sasuke darling we're going to die!"**

"**What do we do Naruto...babe..."**

"**Kiss me one last time! ...no homo." and then they kiss but it SO wasn't gay (take THAT fan gurls!)**

"No! My precious Sasuke is going to die! I'll save you Sasuke!" Orochimaru yelled as he slithered out of the luggage again and threw life jackets on Sasuke. "...that life jacket it makes you...so...KAWAII!"

"**What!? We're going to Hawaii?" asked Kabuto who appeared out of know where.**

"**No, we're going to die in a watery grave...but at least Sasuke looks super cute!** And I get to die with him! It's perfect!"

"And I get to die with you!" Kabuto said as he hugged Orochimaru.

"Ew Kabuto! I'm a pedophile, it's completely different from being gay! Go back and watch my luggage!"

"**I think...I'll go kill myself. Don't bother mourning my death!" and then he jumped out of the plane. At first Orochimaru was a little sad...but then he saw Sasuke...**

"Um...Orochimaru...can you stop drooling on me..." Sasuke asked.

"...no."

"**He's with his husband no homo! We're trying to enjoy our last moments together!" yelled Naruto.**

"**NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Sakura as she jumped up from the bottom of the ocean back up to the plane.**

"Dammit bitch we don't want you!" Neji said he kicked Sakura back down to the water.

"**We're going down," Jiraiya reminded them.**

"**I'm going to speak for the first time," said Hinata.**

"Too late!"

Then they crashed in the water, and the plane started sinking.

"Hmm...something on this plane is different..." Shikamaru said as he woke up.

"**Naruto...I know this may come as a surprise to you but I'm gay," said Sasuke**

"**What!? No way, who would've thought? **I can't believe my husband is gay! Well, at least we die together!"

"Not today!" Suddenly Killer Bee in Eight tails form burst out of the water and saved everyone.

"Bee, what are you doing here, why aren't you in the Hidden Cloud Village?" Naruto asked.

"I'm an octopus, why would I be in the clouds?"

"OMG A GIANT OCTOPUS! I'll save you Sasuke!" Orochimaru shouted as he attacked and killed Bee. Then with no giant octopus to save them everyone drowned. ** And then Madara won and there was a huge fan-base suicide. The End. **


	2. Chapter 2

"**Why aren't we all dead?" Naruto asked. **

"**Because," One dying fan said. "as we saw your plane go down we knew it would be the end of Naruto. We didn't want to live in a world without Naruto...we might have to go outside. So we all killed ourselves!"**

Then the fan died and a loud noise was heard. Suddenly a giant pile of dead fans amassed out of the ocean and created an island, saving Naruto and his friends from drowning.

"**We owe these people so much," Sakura said bowing her head.**

"**OOOOOOOOOOOOH CHRIST! Why did you have to survive?!" Orochimaru wept. And then a true Naruto fan pulled her down into the dying mass and she was never heard from again. (until the next time that she is mentioned in the story.) **

"Naruto, you're alive!" Sasuke said as he ran towards Naruto.

"Oh Sasuke! I couldn't imagine living without my gay husband!"

But before they could embrace in each others' arms Orochimaru slithered and grabbed Sasuke.

**And then he ran away to the other side of the island with Sasuke...which is 50 feet just over by the fat fan kid.**

"**This is going to suck." Shikamaru complained**

"**Why do you say that?" ask Choji.**

"**Because Bitchy McBitcherson won't stop bitching." Choji then looked over at Naruto. **

"**Where's my ramen! RAMEN! Meh meh meh ramen! I need it! I'm going to boil it on Sasuke and eat it off his abs! Amongst other things..."**

"**YAOI!" yelled a dying fan.**

"**We'll never survive!"cried Choji.**

"Hey Choji shouldn't you be dead? You've been gushing blood since Sakura stole your moobs." Neji asked.

"Oh right." Then Choji died.

**But then he can back to life. "Wait a minute! I have just as much right to be here as anyone else! I'm staying." Choji said as he crossed his arms.**

"**You can only be here if you had fans that died for you...you didn't have any," said Neji.**

"**Yes I did!"**

"**Prove it."**

"**OK...raise your hand if you died for me!"**

**... "Well fuck me," said Choji as he died.**

Meanwhile at Orochimaru's corner of the island...

"Oh Sasuke you got plankton in your preciously pretty hair! I'll just pick it out one by one..."

"You can see plankton?" Sasuke asked in shock.

"I've developed advanced vision since I stare at you so often! I can see your cells! I call them mini-Sasukes."

"**Hey! What are you doing over there!?" Naruto yelled, peaking his head over the fat kid.**

"**THIS DOESN'T CONSERN YOU!" screamed Orochimaru.**

"**But...it's the hour I eat ramen off of Sasuke...amongst other things...it's our most loved activity that we do together."**

"**It's true, it is our favourite," said Sasuke nodding his head.**

"**YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR LIKE HALF A HOUR! You can't possibly know what you like to do together...that doesn't even sound like fun."**

"Don't knock it to you try it!" Naruto yelled.

"Oh fine. Does anyone have any ramen?" Orochimaru asked. There was an awkward silence, then Naruto screamed,

"NO RAMEN? WE MUST GET OFF THIS HELL HOLE OF AN ISLAND!"

"**I have an idea!" yelled Tenten**

"**Her idea is lame! Listen me instead!" said Kiba. And everyone listened to Kiba because, Tenten has a fan base of 3 people which is barely keeping her alive.**

"What's the plan Kiba?" Shikamaru asked.

"We gather a bunch of dogs-"

"No."

"Fine. We gather a bunch of puppies-"

"No."

"Fine. We gather a bunch of bitches-"

"Just stop! Where would we even get a bunch of bitches?"

"**I can get you guys some bitches," said Shino mysteriously.**

"**Yah! Shino can get us some b- ...wait...Shino? for real!?" **

"No I lied." Shino answered sarcastically, but no one picked up on the sarcasm.

"Traitor! Quick! Vote him off the island!" So everyone picked up shino and yelled,

"Eat democracy!" As they tossed him off the island.

" **Quick my precious beetles, save me!" and they did. They picked him up and flew away to the main land and so Shino was saved.**

"**OH FUCK!" cried Kiba.**

"I'm back!" Shouted Sakura as she burst out of the pile of dead fans.

"Look! A bitch! Shino did get us a bitch!" Shouted Naruto.

"**Gross! I'm going to the other side of the island where she can't get her period on me," Orochimaru said as he walked away dragging Sasuke along with him.**

"**Can I come?" asked a hopeful Naruto.**

"**umm...No! It's a very exclusive place!"**

"**It's just over the fat kid..."**

"**well...i...it's just that...umm...well...FAGGOT!" and with that Orochimaru slithered away to his side of the island.**

"Okay now we need more bitches..." Kiba said.

"Sakura is that you? You stay away from my Sasuke!" Yelled Ino as she ran up to Sakura.

"Okay now that we have a couple bitches we can start your plan!" Shikamaru said.

"Umm...yeah about that...I actually expected you to cut me off and think of a plan yourself so I never actually had a plan." Kiba explained.

"**Ok alright here's what we do!" Shikamaru started, " we gather the bitches and feed them til they get really bloated-"**

"**What the hell are we going to feed them with?" ask Neji.**

"**Our finest cheese and wine...OUR DEAD FANS, WHAT DO YOU THINK!?"**

"I don't think the best way to honour our dead fans is to feed them to the most hated characters." Naruto said.

"Don't think of it that way...think of them as feeding our method of escape so that we may live!" Shikamaru replied.

"**Ok so we feed rotting human flesh of the ones who loved us, and then what?" questioned Neji.**

"**Then we throw the bitches into the water; and tie them together. They will be so bloated that they will float and we can get on their backs and sail home." **

"**It's genius!" yelled Naruto. "But can we please leave Orochimaru here? I just keep getting the feeling he has this thing for Sasuke."**

"Oh no don't be ridiculous, i bet if you go over there right now they will be doing nothing out of the ordinary." Shikamaru said.

So Naruto went over to Orochimaru's side of the island to spy on Orochimaru and Sasuke, and Orochimaru was bald.

"What's going on?" Naruto shouted.

"My precious Sasuke was hungry so I'm cooking him noodles, we don't have any noodles though so I'm using my hair instead." Orochimaru explained.

**Sasuke was about to take a bite, but Naruto kicked the bowl from Sasuke's hands. "Don't do it Sasuke! He's just tricking you so a piece of him will be inside you!" Naruto screamed.**

**Sasuke gasped, "Is that true Orochimaru!?"**

"**Well, well you're not as stupid as I thought Naruto," chuckled Orochimaru. "But can you out smart this!" and then he puked up a snake that had already drowned in his stomach acid. "hmm, that usually works."**

"I...uh...how do I react to this?" Naruto asked.

"Um, beat him with snake!" Sasuke suggested.

So Naruto beat Orochimaru with his snake.

"**I'm the only one who's allowed put stuff inside Sasuke!" screamed Naruto as he whacked Orochimaru one more time. Orochimaru then slithered away.**

"**There, this is our end of the island now Sasuke." **

"**Yay! Gays love having island parts to themselves!"**

Meanwhile in the straight part of the island, Everyone was feeding Ino and Sakura with dead bodies. Then they got super fat.

"Now we just need to tie them together." Shikamaru said.

"But if we use them as a raft won't they drown?" Kiba asked.

"YOLO!" Sakura yelled as she tied her and Ino together and jumped into the water.

**And they floated just like Shikamaru said they would. "Alright everyone get on!" he yelled**

**so almost everyone got on.**

"**Where's Sasuke and Naruto?" asked Kiba.**

"**Someone say my name?" asked Naruto**

"**You two! Get on the fucking raft!" yelled Neji.**

"**But we were just getting used to our side of the island," whined Sasuke.**

"**I thinks it's time we leave Sasuke. There will other islands."**

"**SASUKE! SIDE ON THE HALF OF THE RAFT THAT'S MADE OUT OF ME!" yelled Sakura.**

"**NO ME!" yelled Ino.**

"I got an idea!" said Naruto who then jumped onto Sakura. "Sit on me Sasuke!"

So then Sasuke jumped on and sat on Naruto so he didn't have to sit on Sakura or Ino.

"**Oh balls!" cried Sakura and Ino. And they sailed away 'til they got back to Naruto land where they belong.**

But Sakura and Ino drowned before they reached land so everyone was happy. And then they hit land so everyone was happy again.

"Now what?" Naruto asked.

"DID YOU FORGET ME?" Madara asked as he appeared with the zombie of every character that wasn't in this story.

"**This is so not kawaii," said Sasuke. But they decided to fight the zombies and call the show Walking Dead. THE END!**

...

"Guys? Where is everyone..." Said Tenten as she sat on the island alone.


End file.
